Disagreements; why do they occur? And the solutions (Islamic Marriage Solutions)

1)      Misunderstanding each other – probably half of the time (as spouses) we misunderstand each other.

Solution – First of all, we need to be attentive when our spouse is speaking to us. If we did not understand something politely ask for clarifications.

2)      Not allowing each other to put their point across – finishing off their sentences, or explaining their thought processes and opinions – because we think we know what they are about to say so, we just don’t give them a chance.

Solution – Hold your horses (as they say), we seriously need to give each other a chance to put their point across. Let them have a chance to speak, then ponder and reflect upon what they have said.

3)      Holding on to grudges – this is difficult and we may find it hard forgetting about, which is understandable.

Solution – you are not going anywhere if you’re holding a grudge. However, it is easier to let go off a grudge after speaking about it.

4)      Looking at the issue from only ones own perspective – and not seeing things from the other person’s perspective.

Solution – you need to understand what the other person is trying to put across to you. As they say, ‘put yourselves in their shoes.’

Due to every individual being different, disagreements will naturally occur from small to major issues.

In a partnership like marriage ‘agreeing to disagree’ is a key code to follow. Meeting in the middle and compromising may be the most challenging task within a marriage but learning to master it will only lead to a successful union.

Furthermore, if we know and understand that disagreeing will occur perhaps every now and then, then surely we are mature enough to handle these situations in the best possible manner, if they arise.

6^th January 2019

Fozrul Khan

Islamic Marriage Solutions 

Step by Step Guide & Protocol - Islamic Marriage Solutions

1. Initial call:

Interested parties can send an email or call us. admin@islamicmarriagesolutions.co.uk / 07943 888 099

2. Questionnaire:

All parties will be asked to fill in an initial assessment questionnaire.*

*other relevant questions may also be asked to make sure clients are getting the right support from IMS

 3. Phone Calls:

*Will include other pertinent phone calls to the clients and vice versa.

Both parties will receive an initial phone call with IMS based on the information that was given in the initial assessment – this phone call will be 25mins long.

4. Counselling sessions/ mediation etc.

Both IMS and clients will decide if a counselling session is needed how many sessions will take place.

Note: The above is an outline protocol for Islamic Marriage Solutions in brief however; there will be some flexibility in terms of correspondence at the discretion of IMS, for more info. On this please contact us.

Contact details: Fozrul Islam Khan on 07943 888 099 Email:admin@islamicmarriagesolutions.co.uk

Disagreements; why do they occur?

·         Misunderstanding each other

·         Not allowing each other to put point across.

·         Not allowing one another to finish off sentences, or explain their thought processes and opinions.

·         Holding on to grudges and continuous ignoring.

·         Looking at the issue from only ones own perspective.

Due to every individual being different, mutual disagreements will naturally occur ranging from small issues to major issues.

In a partnership like marriage ‘agreeing to disagree’ is a key code to follow. Meeting in the middle and compromising may be the most challenging task within a marriage but learning to master it will only lead to a successful union.

Fozrul Islam Khan, 06 January 2019
Islamic Marriage Solutions

THE UNITY OF THE HUSBAND & WIFE

Praise is to Allah All-Mighty, may peace and blessings be upon all of the Messengers whom He sent to this temporary abode.

Allah mentions in Surah Rum, verse 21

“And among his signs is that He has created spouses for you from yourselves so that you may find tranquility (peace) and comfort in them and He has placed between you affection and mercy.’’

Marriage is a bounty of Allah, whereby one becomes a life partner of their spouse.

Marriage is not but an institution which occupies a lofty rank in Islam which gives rise to an extremely strong and powerful bond.

The prophet Muhammad (S) said:

“There is no foundation that has been built in Islam more beloved to Allah than marriage”

Tranquillity is one of many objectives of marriage for which mutual love and affection is key. And Allah has placed between husband and wife affection and mercy.

This can all be achieved when there is mutual recognition of each other’s right and a sincere effort to fulfil them.

Let us look at the prophet’s relationship with Khadija (R) after receiving the first revelation; it was a huge responsibility; he now had to spread the message of Islam. But who does he turn to first? He was able to go to Khadija and receive comfort and help because of the way their relationship was. It was a close knit relationship; they were able to relate to another.

To uphold a relationship and keep it flowing is certainly not an easy task to fulfil, let’s face it, it’s not always according to one’s expectations, and so compromise is key – in other words striking a balance is key.

However, because of the society we live in, people are grown into thinking of marriage in different ways, due to judging it through the experience of others. Thus for this reason, many find it difficult to overcome even small disputes that they face in their marital life. Consequently they forget about the commitment that was made during the Nikah ceremony. This commitment comes with trust, honesty, effective communication and reliance on each other.

Happiness in this Dunya is temporary; the happiness and excitement that is experienced in the honey moon period is perhaps because one easily overlooks any shortcomings.

For this reason now it takes time to come to terms with the reality of living with someone and accepting this new phase of life. This can be related to the following Hadith; “You don't really know a person until you live, travel with or do business with them.”

So keeping these points in mind one comes to the stage where they learn to compromise, meet in the middle on certain points and respect the differences between each other.

Indeed the Messenger, Muhammad (S) has said:

“A believing man should not despise a believing woman, if he dislikes some of her qualities, he will for sure enjoy the other qualities.” (And vice versa) (Sahih Muslim)

This Hadith provides an important principle in terms of the husband’s attitude and behaviour towards his wife.

Now this goes for both the couples that when a spouse celebrates and appreciates the good in their partner at least then, the negatives can be overlooked. But when one starts to focus on the negative aspects then that is when the trouble starts.

What needs to be understood is that sometimes the concept of married life is seen in a negative or a less convincing way because of what one has been told about it from other’s experience.

Or its opposite – many people, tell their friends about the exciting things about being married, you know... ‘Happy marriage and happy life’

But what one fails to realise at that moment in time is, the reality. And that is only experienced when one steps into marriage themselves.

Jabir (R) reported that the Messenger (S) said;

“Satan (Iblis) places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension.

One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” The Satan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” A’mash (sub-narrator) said: He then embraces him.” [Sahih Muslim]

And this is where one has got to be vigilant; Shaytan will wait around until he finds an opportunity to infiltrate the gaps in communication, so instead of having a conversation with each other, one will start to succumb to the whispers and end up having a conversation with Shaytan in one’s head. This leads to jumping to conclusions, making assumptions and experiencing feelings of anger. One has to learn to control themselves to the best of their ability; and it’s difficult at times, but the reward is immense.  

When someone is angered by something they get really upset and they’ve got to say something to the other party. Rather they should clarify the situation because half of the time it’s probably not the way they assumed.

But one should not despair; marriage will flourish when both spouses understand each other’s needs, and when they can accept one another for who they are; our wife, our husband.

Let’s not get this wrong, the guidelines are there and clear from the Qur’an and Hadith, everyone’s situation is different. The Messenger, Muhammad (S) has set the standards of the relationship between the Husband and Wife.

The Quran and Hadith have laid down fundamental rules regarding the dynamics between husband and wife. We now read these rules and techniques in text books but have existed more than 1400 yrs ago.

We always hear about human rights campaigns and lobbies etc. can we boast of organisations that calls for fulfilling obligations in the same way? 

Allah has laid foundations for us in the Quran and in the Ahadith, for us to follow. These advices and gems are great, when one understands and implements them in their lives.

The unity of the husband and wife is how they work together and the connection they have between them which also forms the foundation of the family.

The better the relationship between them the better interconnectedness of the family. How do you achieve this? It’s all about meeting in the middle when making decisions which affects the family.

When two people agree to marry each other; they open a new chapter in their life. They agree to tie the knot. They agree to come half way.

Whenever a person meets up with a friend and they discuss a meeting place they consider the half way point to which they both can get to for their convenience.

Probably this is the most emotional part of a wedding ceremony. Where the bride has prepared for this day and for this moment; how she flies from her nest and now will be living away. This makes one realise about the all the sacrifices she’s made. The groom has to welcome her, in a comforting manner and accept her; all important issues thereafter will be dealt with as a married couple. We all make sacrifices and our sacrifices are different.  

Counselling Couples by (Donald) Bubenzer and (John) West mention that

(It is)“When two people agree to share their lives, this inevitably leads to a merging of systems (played by the Husband & wife to be)

What happens when we meet somebody for the first time, or in an interview, or being introduced to someone we do not know? How we conduct ourselves? Were are very conscious aren’t we?

A portion of a Hadith comes to mind regarding this

‘Behave in front of people in a good manner’

Spouses got to present themselves to each other in a friendly way all the time.

The prophet (S) has mentioned;

 ‘The most complete of the believers in faith, is the ones with the best character. And the best of them are the ones that are best to their women’

Nikah/Marriage is not just reaching of age to get married and saying the vows of marriage; rather it is a lifelong commitment where Husband and Wife will keep each other in mind with a view to now spending the rest of their lives the way Allah wants them to, following in the footsteps of the prophet. 

The theme of the Khutbah (sermon) during the marriage ceremony is indeed Taqwa (piety) that we become conscious of God in every aspect of our lives.

If we can bare this in mind, we will have a certain direction in our marital lives; a mutual objective of marriage, coupled with the understanding of the verses normally recited at the time of Nikah.

Sadly this is the most ignored part of a marriage ceremony nowadays. Everyone speaks over the Imam, failing to realise that he is explaining to the couple and to all those who are present probably the most precious advises of how they should lead their lives, through the Quran and Sunnah.

When husband and wife tie the knot, they become life partners and lifetime companions. They are in it with a very high hope of staying in the marriage forever.

Who doesn’t want to receive comfort, peace and happiness from their other half? This is the very reason they agree to marry.

So it needs hard work and determination to maintain this bond in the long run. And of course this is the ultimate goal.

Each of us should understand and appreciate that Allah has brought us together in this life and we have now become one entity. Whatever the situations; all events are to be addressed in an amicable way.

Every marriage goes through good patches and the bad. Communication and level headedness will allow a person to pull through the hard times but to get there we have to remember to accept and acknowledge that we may be at fault. This is perhaps one of the hardest parts.

Allah has sent us in this Dunya not merely to pass a life but to make a life, such a life that will be presentable in the court of Allah.

Each one of us will spend the life span decreed for us by Allah. Allah wishes that it be spent as close as possible to the lifestyle of the prophet, Muhammad (S) the lifestyle chosen by Allah.

Marital love and relationship between husband and wife requires extraordinary effort from both parties if it is to remain stable.

It is important for us that we remain level headed. We are the foundation upon which the family rely on, base their trusts and turn to for support.

Second portion of a Hadith mentioned by the prophet, Muhammad (S) states “If you have done something wrong, then cover it up with something good (immediately), it will surely wipe the wrong out”

If we did something wrong we should apologise, if we were at fault, we should admit it, move forward and move away from it.

A FEW TIPS

1.      Marriage in the eyes of Allah. We need to understand that Allah has brought us together and we also need to understand how he would want us to behave with one another.

2.      Working together. Be partners in decision making, it does not have to be in everything we do but sometimes including each other can make a difference. This can be applied when the children are involved.

In these situations the parents should defer the decision making to a mashura (a meeting) between the parents and then get back to the child.

This reminds me of how important is doing things as a family. As someone once mentioned about The Family saying; ‘A family’s attitude towards home life is critical. It has an impact to character development.

Part of home life is things like the atmosphere in the home. Interaction and interconnectedness of individuals of the house play big roles in a family system.

3.      Showing affection. Remind each other how we feel about them now and then.

4.      Showing appreciation. Acknowledge and take out time to thank each other for their appearance, chores and everything they do.

5.      Forgetting past problems. We all have past issues and the only way forward is learning to forget and forgive each other, it is easy saying it but this is one of the secrets of a successful marriage.

6.      Assuming and jumping to conclusions. Learning to verify a situation before we start letting Shaytan do all the thinking for us, not even giving our other half breathing time let alone speaking time; this is the reality.

7.      Admitting mistakes. This is the most sensible thing to do when committing errors, we are not perfect.

8.      Addressing each other. When addressing each other we should do it in a dignified manner. It makes a huge difference.

It is mentioned in the Qur’an, “O you who believe, fear God and (address one another) in a light hearted manner.” (Surah 33 verse 71)

9.      Making time for each other. This is extremely important, both Husband and Wife are so busy with work and children that they forget to spend time with each other. 

10.      Being thankful to each other. You have to remind yourself to be thankful to your partner for what they do for you. These moments are very important.

Last but not least we need to be optimistic and positive in our relationship, we are all going to face obstacles and in different ways but we have to stick together. Leave out the bickering, overlook the shortcomings and stay together In sha allah. 

Fozrul Islam Khan, 19 November 2018

Islamic Marriage Solutions  

Rights of the Husband upon the Wife

List of Rights upon the Wife

·       Food, shelter and basic clothing.

Below is a list of other Rights which should be taken seriously...

·        Always obey him as long as it does not involve sin.

·        Do not perform Nafl (optional) Salah or Fast without his permission.

·        Do not request or seek expenses beyond his means.

·        Do not allow anybody into your house without his permission. Nor leave home without his permission.

·        Should he gesture you to intimacy, make love etc. Then do not refuse him unless there is a Shari’ah (Islamic reason) for e.g. Haidh, Nifaas, illness etc.

·        Do not consider your husband as inferior because of his poverty or appearance.

·        Should you observe any wrong Shar’ee habits in your husband, advise him with respect (and always pray for him).

·        Never call him by his name – make up a Kunniya (Nickname), do not abuse or speak above him. Do not complain to others about your husband.

·        Do not dispute with his relatives. Respect your husband’s parent’s with respect.

Rights of the Wife upon the Husband

List of Rights of the Wife upon the Husband

·       Food, shelter and basic clothing.

Below is a list of other Rights which should be taken seriously...

·        Husne Khulq, that is to live with her with love, respect, nobility, kindness, happiness and a good character. Your wife may visit her parents at least once a week.

·        To bear patiently (in moderation) her errors, indiscreetness and shortcomings.

·        To be modest towards her...that is not to be over suspicious not be too lax.

·        To adopt moderation in spending upon her...neither adopt stinginess nor allow wastage. Also grant her additional pocket expenses whereby she may purchase personal items.

·        To learn and impart to her all the compulsory and necessary (Faraa’idh/Waajibaat) of the Shari’ah. For e.g. Islamic fundamentals (Aqeedah/beliefs), Salah, periods (Haidh) etc. Just as important is to emphasise and save her from all sins and Bid’ah (baseless customs).

·        To make love to her.

·        Not to perform ‘Azal (eject semen outside of the common area) without her permission when making love.

·        Not to physically, verbally, emotionally or sexually abuse her or take unfair advantage of her love, dedication and faithfulness.

·        To allow her to meet Mahram relatives (father, brother sister, uncles and aunts etc.) at reasonable intervals and to make sure she is not exposed to non-Mahram.

·        Not to express intimate details (of what happens in the bedroom) to others.

·        Never to humiliate, abandon, or force her out of the house.

Overcoming marital challenges

Praise is to Allah, may peace and blessings be upon all of the messengers whom he sent to this temporary world.

To uphold and keep a relationship flowing is certainly a challenging task, those of us who are married know what it is all about...but let us be honest, we have the good days, the bad days and also the in between days - where we just get on with it right?

We cannot always expect perfection from our other half. Indeed the Messenger, Muhammad, (S) has said: “A believing man should not despise a believing woman, if he dislikes some of her characteristics, he will for sure enjoy the other characteristics.” (And vice versa – it can work both ways) (Sahih Muslim)

What we have to understand is that, we see married life in the way we’ve experienced seeing it, or hearing about it. But what we fail to realise is the reality; the grass is not always green on the other side. 

It is almost like a mirage from afar. Just like a new Job; everything about the Job is excellent; the money, the hours, the position within the company etc. But then one realises that it was not as it seemed, and it’s probably the last place a person wants to be.

Let’s not get this wrong, the guidelines are there and clear from the Qur’an and Sunnah of the prophet Muhammad (S) and everyone’s situation is different. The Messenger, Muhammad (S) has indeed set guidelines in terms of upholding the relationship between the Husband and Wife.

Taqwa (piety) is one important way of preserving the marriage from the beginning. We get a brief understanding of Taqwa from the Khutbah (marriage sermon) of the prophet, Muhammad (S) which is the theme of the Khutbah, read out by the Imam, during the blessed (marriage) ceremony.

Taqwa is that we become conscious of Allah in every aspect of our lives. If we can bare this in mind, we will have a certain direction in our marital lives; coupled with the understanding of the verses read at the time of Nikah.

It is mentioned in Surah Rum, verse 21

“And among his verses is that He has created spouses for you from yourselves so that you may find solace in them and He has placed between you affection and mercy.”

When we tie the knot, we become life partners and lifetime companions.

Each of us should understand and appreciate that Allah has brought us together and our destiny in life will now become one.

Whatever the situations; all events are to be addressed as they come and in an amicable way.

Allah has sent us in this Dunya not merely to pass a life but to make a life, such a life that will be presentable in the court of Allah in the hereafter.

Each one of us will spend the life span decreed for us by Allah. Allah wishes that it be spent as close as possible to the lifestyle of the prophet, Muhammad (S), the lifestyle chosen by Allah.

Marital love and relationship between husband and wife requires extraordinary effort from both parties if it is to remain vital. It is important for us that we remain level headed. We are the foundation upon which the family rely on, base their trust and turn to for support. 

A marriage relationship is like a stone, it should be ready to accept all types of weather, where it doesn’t get affected, keep note that not every day is a sunny day.

Let us look at a few Tips that will help us in a practical way... 

1.  Marriage in the eyes of Allah. We need to understand that Allah has brought us together and we also need to understand how he would want us to treat one another.

2.  Working together. Be partners in decision making. It does not have to be in everything we do but sometimes including each other can make a difference.

3.  Showing affection. Remind each other how we feel, every so often.

4.  Showing appreciation. Acknowledge and thanking each other.

5.  Forgetting past problems. We all have past issues and the only way forward is learning to forget and forgive each other, it is easy saying it but this is one of the secrets of a successful marriage.

6.  Admitting our mistakes. This is the most sensible thing to do when we commit errors.

7.  Addressing each other. When addressing each other we should do it in a dignified manner. It makes a huge difference.

It is mentioned in the Qur’an, “O you who believe, fear God and (address one another) in a light hearted manner.” (Surah 33 verse 70)

Last but not least we need to be optimistic and positive in our relationship, we’re all going to face obstacles and in different ways; it is the way we deal with them that will count.

Fozrul Islam Khan, Islamic Marriage Solutions, 

11th March 2018 (Jumad al-thani 1439)

Contact: 07943 888 099

Admin@islamicmarriagesolutions.co.uk