THE UNITY OF THE HUSBAND & WIFE

Praise is to Allah All-Mighty, may peace and blessings be upon all of the Messengers whom He sent to this temporary abode.

Allah mentions in Surah Rum, verse 21

“And among his signs is that He has created spouses for you from yourselves so that you may find tranquility (peace) and comfort in them and He has placed between you affection and mercy.’’

Marriage is a bounty of Allah, whereby one becomes a life partner of their spouse.

Marriage is not but an institution which occupies a lofty rank in Islam which gives rise to an extremely strong and powerful bond.

The prophet Muhammad (S) said:

“There is no foundation that has been built in Islam more beloved to Allah than marriage”

Tranquillity is one of many objectives of marriage for which mutual love and affection is key. And Allah has placed between husband and wife affection and mercy.

This can all be achieved when there is mutual recognition of each other’s right and a sincere effort to fulfil them.

Let us look at the prophet’s relationship with Khadija (R) after receiving the first revelation; it was a huge responsibility; he now had to spread the message of Islam. But who does he turn to first? He was able to go to Khadija and receive comfort and help because of the way their relationship was. It was a close knit relationship; they were able to relate to another.

To uphold a relationship and keep it flowing is certainly not an easy task to fulfil, let’s face it, it’s not always according to one’s expectations, and so compromise is key – in other words striking a balance is key.

However, because of the society we live in, people are grown into thinking of marriage in different ways, due to judging it through the experience of others. Thus for this reason, many find it difficult to overcome even small disputes that they face in their marital life. Consequently they forget about the commitment that was made during the Nikah ceremony. This commitment comes with trust, honesty, effective communication and reliance on each other.

Happiness in this Dunya is temporary; the happiness and excitement that is experienced in the honey moon period is perhaps because one easily overlooks any shortcomings.

For this reason now it takes time to come to terms with the reality of living with someone and accepting this new phase of life. This can be related to the following Hadith; “You don't really know a person until you live, travel with or do business with them.”

So keeping these points in mind one comes to the stage where they learn to compromise, meet in the middle on certain points and respect the differences between each other.

Indeed the Messenger, Muhammad (S) has said:

“A believing man should not despise a believing woman, if he dislikes some of her qualities, he will for sure enjoy the other qualities.” (And vice versa) (Sahih Muslim)

This Hadith provides an important principle in terms of the husband’s attitude and behaviour towards his wife.

Now this goes for both the couples that when a spouse celebrates and appreciates the good in their partner at least then, the negatives can be overlooked. But when one starts to focus on the negative aspects then that is when the trouble starts.

What needs to be understood is that sometimes the concept of married life is seen in a negative or a less convincing way because of what one has been told about it from other’s experience.

Or its opposite – many people, tell their friends about the exciting things about being married, you know... ‘Happy marriage and happy life’

But what one fails to realise at that moment in time is, the reality. And that is only experienced when one steps into marriage themselves.

Jabir (R) reported that the Messenger (S) said;

“Satan (Iblis) places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension.

One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” The Satan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” A’mash (sub-narrator) said: He then embraces him.” [Sahih Muslim]

And this is where one has got to be vigilant; Shaytan will wait around until he finds an opportunity to infiltrate the gaps in communication, so instead of having a conversation with each other, one will start to succumb to the whispers and end up having a conversation with Shaytan in one’s head. This leads to jumping to conclusions, making assumptions and experiencing feelings of anger. One has to learn to control themselves to the best of their ability; and it’s difficult at times, but the reward is immense.  

When someone is angered by something they get really upset and they’ve got to say something to the other party. Rather they should clarify the situation because half of the time it’s probably not the way they assumed.

But one should not despair; marriage will flourish when both spouses understand each other’s needs, and when they can accept one another for who they are; our wife, our husband.

Let’s not get this wrong, the guidelines are there and clear from the Qur’an and Hadith, everyone’s situation is different. The Messenger, Muhammad (S) has set the standards of the relationship between the Husband and Wife.

The Quran and Hadith have laid down fundamental rules regarding the dynamics between husband and wife. We now read these rules and techniques in text books but have existed more than 1400 yrs ago.

We always hear about human rights campaigns and lobbies etc. can we boast of organisations that calls for fulfilling obligations in the same way? 

Allah has laid foundations for us in the Quran and in the Ahadith, for us to follow. These advices and gems are great, when one understands and implements them in their lives.

The unity of the husband and wife is how they work together and the connection they have between them which also forms the foundation of the family.

The better the relationship between them the better interconnectedness of the family. How do you achieve this? It’s all about meeting in the middle when making decisions which affects the family.

When two people agree to marry each other; they open a new chapter in their life. They agree to tie the knot. They agree to come half way.

Whenever a person meets up with a friend and they discuss a meeting place they consider the half way point to which they both can get to for their convenience.

Probably this is the most emotional part of a wedding ceremony. Where the bride has prepared for this day and for this moment; how she flies from her nest and now will be living away. This makes one realise about the all the sacrifices she’s made. The groom has to welcome her, in a comforting manner and accept her; all important issues thereafter will be dealt with as a married couple. We all make sacrifices and our sacrifices are different.  

Counselling Couples by (Donald) Bubenzer and (John) West mention that

(It is)“When two people agree to share their lives, this inevitably leads to a merging of systems (played by the Husband & wife to be)

What happens when we meet somebody for the first time, or in an interview, or being introduced to someone we do not know? How we conduct ourselves? Were are very conscious aren’t we?

A portion of a Hadith comes to mind regarding this

‘Behave in front of people in a good manner’

Spouses got to present themselves to each other in a friendly way all the time.

The prophet (S) has mentioned;

 ‘The most complete of the believers in faith, is the ones with the best character. And the best of them are the ones that are best to their women’

Nikah/Marriage is not just reaching of age to get married and saying the vows of marriage; rather it is a lifelong commitment where Husband and Wife will keep each other in mind with a view to now spending the rest of their lives the way Allah wants them to, following in the footsteps of the prophet. 

The theme of the Khutbah (sermon) during the marriage ceremony is indeed Taqwa (piety) that we become conscious of God in every aspect of our lives.

If we can bare this in mind, we will have a certain direction in our marital lives; a mutual objective of marriage, coupled with the understanding of the verses normally recited at the time of Nikah.

Sadly this is the most ignored part of a marriage ceremony nowadays. Everyone speaks over the Imam, failing to realise that he is explaining to the couple and to all those who are present probably the most precious advises of how they should lead their lives, through the Quran and Sunnah.

When husband and wife tie the knot, they become life partners and lifetime companions. They are in it with a very high hope of staying in the marriage forever.

Who doesn’t want to receive comfort, peace and happiness from their other half? This is the very reason they agree to marry.

So it needs hard work and determination to maintain this bond in the long run. And of course this is the ultimate goal.

Each of us should understand and appreciate that Allah has brought us together in this life and we have now become one entity. Whatever the situations; all events are to be addressed in an amicable way.

Every marriage goes through good patches and the bad. Communication and level headedness will allow a person to pull through the hard times but to get there we have to remember to accept and acknowledge that we may be at fault. This is perhaps one of the hardest parts.

Allah has sent us in this Dunya not merely to pass a life but to make a life, such a life that will be presentable in the court of Allah.

Each one of us will spend the life span decreed for us by Allah. Allah wishes that it be spent as close as possible to the lifestyle of the prophet, Muhammad (S) the lifestyle chosen by Allah.

Marital love and relationship between husband and wife requires extraordinary effort from both parties if it is to remain stable.

It is important for us that we remain level headed. We are the foundation upon which the family rely on, base their trusts and turn to for support.

Second portion of a Hadith mentioned by the prophet, Muhammad (S) states “If you have done something wrong, then cover it up with something good (immediately), it will surely wipe the wrong out”

If we did something wrong we should apologise, if we were at fault, we should admit it, move forward and move away from it.

A FEW TIPS

1.      Marriage in the eyes of Allah. We need to understand that Allah has brought us together and we also need to understand how he would want us to behave with one another.

2.      Working together. Be partners in decision making, it does not have to be in everything we do but sometimes including each other can make a difference. This can be applied when the children are involved.

In these situations the parents should defer the decision making to a mashura (a meeting) between the parents and then get back to the child.

This reminds me of how important is doing things as a family. As someone once mentioned about The Family saying; ‘A family’s attitude towards home life is critical. It has an impact to character development.

Part of home life is things like the atmosphere in the home. Interaction and interconnectedness of individuals of the house play big roles in a family system.

3.      Showing affection. Remind each other how we feel about them now and then.

4.      Showing appreciation. Acknowledge and take out time to thank each other for their appearance, chores and everything they do.

5.      Forgetting past problems. We all have past issues and the only way forward is learning to forget and forgive each other, it is easy saying it but this is one of the secrets of a successful marriage.

6.      Assuming and jumping to conclusions. Learning to verify a situation before we start letting Shaytan do all the thinking for us, not even giving our other half breathing time let alone speaking time; this is the reality.

7.      Admitting mistakes. This is the most sensible thing to do when committing errors, we are not perfect.

8.      Addressing each other. When addressing each other we should do it in a dignified manner. It makes a huge difference.

It is mentioned in the Qur’an, “O you who believe, fear God and (address one another) in a light hearted manner.” (Surah 33 verse 71)

9.      Making time for each other. This is extremely important, both Husband and Wife are so busy with work and children that they forget to spend time with each other. 

10.      Being thankful to each other. You have to remind yourself to be thankful to your partner for what they do for you. These moments are very important.

Last but not least we need to be optimistic and positive in our relationship, we are all going to face obstacles and in different ways but we have to stick together. Leave out the bickering, overlook the shortcomings and stay together In sha allah. 

Fozrul Islam Khan, 19 November 2018

Islamic Marriage Solutions