Praise is to Allah All-Mighty, may peace
and blessings be upon all of the Messengers whom He sent to this temporary
abode.
Allah mentions in Surah Rum, verse
21
“And among his signs is that He has
created spouses for you from yourselves so that you may find tranquility (peace) and
comfort in them and He has placed between you affection and mercy.’’
Marriage is a bounty of Allah,
whereby one becomes a life partner of their spouse.
Marriage is not but an institution
which occupies a lofty rank in Islam which gives rise to an extremely strong
and powerful bond.
The prophet Muhammad (S) said:
“There is no foundation that has
been built in Islam more beloved to Allah than marriage”
Tranquillity is one of many objectives
of marriage for which mutual love and affection is key. And Allah has placed
between husband and wife affection and mercy.
This can all be achieved when there
is mutual recognition of each other’s right and a sincere effort to fulfil
them.
Let us look at the prophet’s
relationship with Khadija (R) after receiving the first revelation; it was a
huge responsibility; he now had to spread the message of Islam. But who does he
turn to first? He was able to go to Khadija and receive comfort and help because
of the way their relationship was. It was a close knit relationship; they were
able to relate to another.
To uphold a relationship and keep it
flowing is certainly not an easy task to fulfil, let’s face it, it’s not always
according to one’s expectations, and so compromise is key – in other words
striking a balance is key.
However, because of the society we
live in, people are grown into thinking of marriage in different ways, due to
judging it through the experience of others. Thus for this reason, many find it
difficult to overcome even small disputes that they face in their marital life.
Consequently they forget about the commitment that was made during the Nikah
ceremony. This commitment comes with trust, honesty, effective communication
and reliance on each other.
Happiness in this Dunya is temporary;
the happiness and excitement that is experienced in the honey moon period is perhaps because one easily overlooks any shortcomings.
For this reason now it takes time to
come to terms with the reality of living with someone and accepting this new
phase of life. This can be related to the following Hadith; “You don't really know a person until you live, travel
with or do business with them.”
So keeping these points in mind one comes
to the stage where they learn to compromise, meet in the middle on certain
points and respect the differences between each other.
Indeed the Messenger, Muhammad (S)
has said:
“A believing man should not despise
a believing woman, if he dislikes some of her qualities, he will for sure enjoy
the other qualities.” (And vice versa) (Sahih Muslim)
This Hadith provides an important
principle in terms of the husband’s attitude and behaviour towards his wife.
Now this goes for both the couples
that when a spouse celebrates and appreciates the good in their partner at
least then, the negatives can be overlooked. But when one starts to focus on the
negative aspects then that is when the trouble starts.
What needs to be understood is that
sometimes the concept of married life is seen in a negative or a less convincing way
because of what one has been told about it from other’s experience.
Or its opposite – many people, tell
their friends about the exciting things about being married, you know...
‘Happy marriage and happy life’
But what one fails to realise at
that moment in time is, the reality. And that is only experienced when one
steps into marriage themselves.
Jabir
(R) reported that the Messenger (S) said;
“Satan (Iblis)
places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating
dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious
in creating dissension.
One of them
comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then
one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the
seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” The Satan goes near him and
says: “You have done well.” A’mash (sub-narrator) said: He then embraces him.” [Sahih Muslim]
And this is where one has got to be vigilant;
Shaytan will wait around until he finds an opportunity to infiltrate the gaps
in communication, so instead of having a conversation with each other, one will
start to succumb to the whispers and end up having a conversation with Shaytan
in one’s head. This leads to jumping to conclusions, making assumptions and experiencing
feelings of anger. One has to learn to control themselves to the best of their
ability; and it’s difficult at times, but the reward is immense.
When someone is angered by
something they get really upset and they’ve got to say something to the other
party. Rather they should clarify the situation because half of the time it’s
probably not the way they assumed.
But one should not despair; marriage
will flourish when both spouses understand each other’s needs, and when they can
accept one another for who they are; our wife, our husband.
Let’s not get this wrong, the
guidelines are there and clear from the Qur’an and Hadith, everyone’s situation
is different. The Messenger, Muhammad (S) has set the standards of the
relationship between the Husband and Wife.
The Quran and Hadith have laid down
fundamental rules regarding the dynamics between husband and wife. We now read
these rules and techniques in text books but have existed more than 1400 yrs
ago.
We always hear about human rights
campaigns and lobbies etc. can we boast of organisations that calls for fulfilling
obligations in the same way?
Allah has laid foundations for us in
the Quran and in the Ahadith, for us to follow. These advices and gems are
great, when one understands and implements them in their lives.
The unity of the husband and wife is
how they work together and the connection they have between them which also forms the
foundation of the family.
The better the relationship between
them the better interconnectedness of the family. How do you achieve
this? It’s all about meeting in the middle when making decisions which affects
the family.
When two people agree to marry each
other; they open a new chapter in their life. They agree to tie the knot. They
agree to come half way.
Whenever a person meets up with a
friend and they discuss a meeting place they consider the half way point to which
they both can get to for their convenience.
Probably this is the most emotional
part of a wedding ceremony. Where the bride has prepared for this day and for
this moment; how she flies from her nest and now will be living away. This
makes one realise about the all the sacrifices she’s made. The groom has to
welcome her, in a comforting manner and accept her; all important issues
thereafter will be dealt with as a married couple. We all make sacrifices and
our sacrifices are different.
Counselling Couples by (Donald) Bubenzer
and (John) West mention that
(It is)“When two people agree to
share their lives, this inevitably leads to a merging of systems (played by
the Husband & wife to be)
What happens when we meet somebody
for the first time, or in an interview, or being introduced to someone we do
not know? How we conduct ourselves? Were are very conscious aren’t we?
A portion of a Hadith comes to mind
regarding this
‘Behave in front of people in a good
manner’
Spouses got to present themselves to
each other in a friendly way all the time.
The prophet (S) has mentioned;
‘The most complete of the believers in faith, is
the ones with the best character. And the best of them are the ones that are
best to their women’
Nikah/Marriage is not just reaching
of age to get married and saying the vows of marriage; rather it is a lifelong
commitment where Husband and Wife will keep each other in mind with a view to
now spending the rest of their lives the way Allah wants them to, following in
the footsteps of the prophet.
The theme of the Khutbah (sermon)
during the marriage ceremony is indeed Taqwa (piety) that we become conscious
of God in every aspect of our lives.
If we can bare this in mind, we will
have a certain direction in our marital lives; a mutual objective of marriage, coupled
with the understanding of the verses normally recited at the time of Nikah.
Sadly this is the most ignored part
of a marriage ceremony nowadays. Everyone speaks over the Imam, failing to
realise that he is explaining to the couple and to all those who are present probably
the most precious advises of how they should lead their lives, through the Quran
and Sunnah.
When husband and wife tie the knot,
they become life partners and lifetime companions. They are in it with a very
high hope of staying in the marriage forever.
Who doesn’t want to receive comfort,
peace and happiness from their other half? This is the very reason they agree to marry.
So it needs hard work and
determination to maintain this bond in the long run. And of course this is the ultimate
goal.
Each of us should understand and
appreciate that Allah has brought us together in this life and we have now become
one entity. Whatever the situations; all events are to be addressed in an
amicable way.
Every marriage goes through good
patches and the bad. Communication and level headedness will allow a person to
pull through the hard times but to get there we have to remember to accept
and acknowledge that we may be at fault. This is perhaps one of the hardest
parts.
Allah has sent us in this Dunya not
merely to pass a life but to make a life, such a life that will be presentable
in the court of Allah.
Each one of us will spend the life
span decreed for us by Allah. Allah wishes that it be spent as close as
possible to the lifestyle of the prophet, Muhammad (S) the lifestyle chosen by
Allah.
Marital love and relationship
between husband and wife requires extraordinary effort from both parties
if it is to remain stable.
It is important for us that we
remain level headed. We are the foundation upon which the family rely on, base
their trusts and turn to for support.
Second portion of a Hadith mentioned
by the prophet, Muhammad (S) states “If you have done something wrong, then
cover it up with something good (immediately), it will surely wipe the wrong
out”
If we did something wrong we should
apologise, if we were at fault, we should admit it, move forward and move away
from it.
A FEW TIPS
1.
Marriage in the eyes of Allah. We
need to understand that Allah has brought us together and we also need to
understand how he would want us to behave with one another.
2.
Working together. Be
partners in decision making, it does not have to be in everything we do but
sometimes including each other can make a difference. This can be applied
when the children are involved.
In these situations the parents should defer the decision making to
a mashura (a meeting) between the parents and then get back to the child.
This reminds me of how important is doing things as a family. As
someone once mentioned about The Family saying; ‘A family’s attitude towards
home life is critical. It has an impact to character development.
Part of home life is things like the atmosphere in the home.
Interaction and interconnectedness of individuals of the house play big roles
in a family system.
3.
Showing affection. Remind
each other how we feel about them now and then.
4.
Showing appreciation.
Acknowledge and take out time to thank each other for their appearance, chores
and everything they do.
5.
Forgetting past problems. We
all have past issues and the only way forward is learning to forget and forgive
each other, it is easy saying it but this is one of the secrets of a successful
marriage.
6.
Assuming and jumping to conclusions. Learning to verify a situation before we start letting Shaytan do
all the thinking for us, not even giving our other half breathing time let
alone speaking time; this is the reality.
7.
Admitting mistakes. This
is the most sensible thing to do when committing errors, we are not perfect.
8.
Addressing each other.
When addressing each other we should do it in a dignified manner. It makes a
huge difference.
It is mentioned in the Qur’an, “O
you who believe, fear God and (address one another) in a light hearted manner.”
(Surah 33 verse 71)
9.
Making time for each other. This
is extremely important, both Husband and Wife are so busy with work and children
that they forget to spend time with each other.
10.
Being thankful to each other. You
have to remind yourself to be thankful to your partner for what they do for
you. These moments are very important.
Last but not least we need to be
optimistic and positive in our relationship, we are all going to face obstacles
and in different ways but we have to stick together. Leave out the bickering,
overlook the shortcomings and stay together In sha allah.
Fozrul Islam
Khan, 19 November 2018
Islamic
Marriage Solutions
